There's more to it than the sad stories. Lonely isn't so bad. I have a lot of time to think about things. Yeah, it's mostly him, but I've wasted hours on worse. Put on some soft music, clean the house, and take a bath. You'll be okay.

Still reeling from the heavy words you shared in the lost hour. Is this your way of protecting yourself? Time change. Reality is back in line with my imagination and I haven't adjusted to this new truth yet. I knew, but didn't want to know.

Why am I still wasting time, words, tears and energy on you?
To the boy that lied to me in my own bed.
To the boy who made me trade my body for affection.
To the boy that apologizes and then does it all over again.
Be gone. You don't deserve the things that I give you. Would give you.

I can't wait to grow out of this.

Have I literally worried myself sick?

I want to cause the biggest scene. I want you to feel as shitty as I do. Worse. I never asked for you to love me, but your lack of respect for me is sickening. I've given too many chances to a boy who didn't deserve one. You made yourself clear but you don't have to be so cruel about it. I can't remember the last time I felt this terrible. I barely ate one meal yesterday. I felt sick all night and woke up with the same uneasy stomach. I don't know if it's because I'm hungry or anxious. Probably both. 

Keep talking, I'm glad that my pathetic personal life is such a hot topic. Keep talking, but remember that I hold a lot of your secrets, too. 

My head is on the chopping block today. Cut it off. At least then I'll get some peace.

I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm so frustrated, embarrassed, and hurt that it feels like my body is just turning itself off. Totally and completely overwhelmed with these feelings of stress and anxiety. I cannot believe the things that I have done. I am so desperate for help right now and I can't talk to anyone about it.

I can't do this anymore. Living like this is exhausting. I just want to go to sleep.

red letter day

Sunday marked the end of my lifelong game of catch-up. Plenty of crying, but not for the reason they warn you about. I see something better in you. I wish that you did too.

Chapter 3

Done and done. Another humiliating chapter written in the shortest, most pathetic book ever. Distance is the only cure for this feeling. I don't know how people can ever exist in the same space after they've done the things we have. I would be trying to busy myself with friends but the one I need most keeps feeding me information that just makes things worse. There is nothing that I hate more than being lied to and there is no place more terrible to do it than in my bed. This is an anger that I can't let go of and I want to make you sorry that you ever settled for me.

You wouldn't believe how angry I get when you're not around. If only I could hold on to it when you're in front of me. All I want to do is touchkisshold even though I know I shouldn't.

I want to tell you that this is over and what a terrible idea it was from the start. If you wanted a casual fuck you picked the wrong friend. I told you that 2 months ago. I don't need to learn anything else about you. Every new revelation just makes this worse. I never asked for kind words from you. Didn't bait you to tell me how you love the way I hold you. Is this the way all men are? Of course I let myself be taken advantage of again. Let myself be guilted into consolation cocksucking and putting up with the way you never take "no" for an answer. This is not a negotiation. I will not trade my body for your fake affection.

Anxious, nervous, self-conscious, weird in that "maybe I should see a doctor about this" kind of way but also in an "uninsured, don't wanna depend on drugs for social interaction, too proud to get help, maybe I'm overreacting" kind of way. Constantly lying to myself that I am totally happy with how I'm living my life while simultaneously hating my job, lack of motivation, and jealousy toward people who are supposed to be my friends. I have a special talent for allowing my heart to become irreparably broken by boys that have never seen me naked. Annually, I get naked with boys who don't treat me well and have substance abuse issues. We awkwardly dance around my sexual dysfunction and I become a crazy, defensive monster who tries to be cool while she quietly implodes. We never speak again. Put an unattainable boy on a god-like pedestal. He thinks I am joking when I propose marriage (or is probably just being polite because... well, you are reading this). Trust issues abound, I constantly fear that I am being used, misled, and deceived by people who claim to care about me. Worry that I am disappointing my family with my boring, meaningless life. Feel shitty. Feel shittier for allowing myself to feel shitty. Talk to friends about it. Feel shittier for burdening friends with my self-centered, trite bullshit. Write pathetic blog posts like this one. Feel shittier for being the kind of person who whines about her life on the internet. Fuck. Curse too much. Listen to a lot of sad, quiet music. Go to shows because it used to be so fun when I was younger and I just keep hoping that it will be again. Feel old. Go to things alone as a "fuck you" to couples culture or because I am too scared to get turned down by friends or because I have been ditched. Feel shitty. Fresh air would do me good. Long to throw a baseball, catch a frisbee. The thought of contacting someone to join me and their possible rejection is too much to deal with. Maybe I will just stay in tonight. Check my phone, email, facebook, twitter, tumblr hundreds of times as if refreshing them is going to make correspondence appear. Consider deleting all of them and moving to a shack in the mountains or back in with my parents. Make little bargains with myself about my diet and my behaviors because those things are easy to control and my emotions are not. Lurk out Craigslist for potential friends (because romantic relationships are not things that people like me are meant to be a part of) but feel too scared to answer any posts, let alone post one. It would probably end up all scary and word-vomity like this anyway. I shouldn't spend the whole day in bed. I'm going to go clean my house now.

lufituaeb

Somewhere across town,
you are laying with a lover
who is pressing her fingerprints
into your back like wet cement.

I wonder if she looks like me, if you fell
for her features like rearranged furniture.
Are we palindrome women? She is beautiful,
I am unpronounceable.

She must be your favorite
place in Minneapolis. I am
a souvenir shop: where you go
to remember how much people miss you
when you’re gone.

-Sierra DeMulder

How Did You Get This Number

“If you have to ask someone to change, to tell you they love you, to bring wine to dinner, to call you when they land, you can’t afford to be with them. It’s not worth the price, even though, just like the Tiffany catalog, no one tells you what the price is. You set it yourself, and if you’re lucky it’s reasonable. You have a sense of when you’re about to go bankrupt. Your own sense of self-worth takes the wheel and says, “Enough of this shit. Stop making excuses. No one’s that busy at work. No one’s allergic to whipped cream. There are too cell phones in Sweden.” But most people don’t get lucky. They get human. They get crushes. This means you irrationally mortgage what little logic you own to pay for this one thing. This relationship is an impulse buy, and you’ll figure out if it’s worth it later.”

— How Did You Get This Number by Sloane Crosley

I want someone who will help me work through being sad instead of just treating it like an inconvenience.

cyber confessional.

Will I ever be relaxed enough to enjoy it? On your failed attempt to bed a defective human being: Don't take it personally. Maybe the reason that this never works is because it's always with the wrong person.

Always wanting what I'm too scared to ask for. Curled up on a freezing cold bus for a 6 hour trip in the wrong direction. I should be sleeping but I can't let this rest. Do you ever wonder if you'll ever be better than "good enough"? I want to be the one that you can't get out of your head. I will never ask for anything again. Throw away my whole life. Wave goodbye to my best friends and the city that saved me. Let me sleep beside you. 

"Even the suburbs would be okay with you beneath my sheets."

This is it.

Thick cycling thighs under shorts and skirts. There isn't much use in fighting them now. Sunshine is recharging my batteries. Sleep with all the windows open. Sweat it out. Just when you think you're surrounded by your circle of friends you're back to square one. Lost in the triangle of my brain, heart, and mouth. I was weaving through traffic on Michigan today, free and focused. You don't think about how close you come to getting hit until you're sitting at home at night. Tempted to pick up the phone and give in to the drunken suggestions but I know that it's not what I really want and I have settled enough. I'll buy a twin before I let a beggar sleep in the queen. I feel like my expiration date is closing in.

Straighten my back and pedal harder.

the way we get by

"Doesn't it hurt to love someone like that?"

A sad kind of smile.

"How can you stand it? How can you stand not telling him?"

"It isn't an option for me."

Exposure

I've always loved the way a camera catches light. Like the way I want to capture you and be a reflection of all of your best parts. Lately I go to bed early and sleep for what seems like days. I stress about money and hate myself for it. Do you remember that night we spent sitting on the hood of my car talking about how we would never repeat our parents' mistakes? Being broke wears you down. They don't tell you that in art school. I spend late nights and lonely afternoons reading blue text on a white screen but I'm not at that point yet. No, this is a safe life. I can do lonely, it's my role.

You know I'm no good at losing things.

Dear You,
I meant every word.

lost and safe

Listening to The Books and thinking about how badly I need to be anywhere but here. I honestly believe that there are so many normal things in life that are just never going to happen for me. It's hard to decide what to do about that sometimes. What is the easiest way to make it all stop?

25mg

I'm tired of living in my head but it's the only place that feels safe.

Do you ever wish you could take it all back?

I think I've run out of people to talk to.

the case for solitude

I am the queen of unrealistic expectations. Keeping your word is so passé.

The most effective way of preventing the awkward, painful state of needing someone more than they need you is to not need anyone.

It's time. I should never have put it off this long but I would kill for it now and the thought of missing out makes my chest tight and the panic rise. I cannot tread water any longer. I can't remember the last time I wanted anything this badly.

I used to be someone that people missed. Now I can't even stand to be around myself.

I'm getting her back. I have to try not to make her regret it.

“And it’s not ‘clever lonely’ (like Morrissey) or ‘interesting lonely’ (like Radiohead); it’s ‘lonely lonely’, like the way it feels when you’re being hugged by someone and it somehow makes you sadder.”

—	Chuck Klosterman