Idk if you still check this but I’m at TV on the Radio and I miss you. I hope you’re happy. 

After viewing

 I don’t know why I said I was sorry.

It’s not like you didn’t already know.

“I’ll bide my time.”

 Our timing has always been terrible. Don’t make the same mistake I did. I haven’t given up on us.

38 and rainy

 You told me you miss the rain. I think of you on every gray, misty day.

Maybe you wake up when I try to sneak out but we start kissing and can’t stop. “Call in, I want you here.” We fuck. Slow and soft, go back to sleep for an hour. I want to go out for breakfast but you have a call you can’t miss so I make something. Surprised you have groceries on a Tuesday. 

I read while you work. Sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. I haven’t turned the page in 10 minutes. I’m listening to you talk. The words don’t mean much to me but the tone in your voice turns me on again. Watching your wrists move, the way you lean back in your chair, stretch your neck. Strong and confident. You’re good at this.

When you finish your coffee you go to the kitchen and come back with another, but this mug is for me.

You wait for me to take a sip. Tea. Orange. Honey. “Did I get the right one?”

“Thanks Boss,” I smirk. 

Back of the car

 “Hold hands in public, hold hands in private, hold hands like you will float away if you let go.”

I hate that I can’t remember your voice. I just want to hear you say my name. 

I spent the train ride home crying because I was thinking about how if something happened to me I wouldn’t have anyone to call but my mom. Got off at my stop and made it down a few steps when I saw that the spiders were blocking safe passage. I turned around to go back up and a guy behind me startled me. He offered to go first and we crouched down and ran down the stairs. Just as he was about to go through the turnstile a spider was right in his face and we started cracking up.

It felt weird to laugh. It felt worse not feeling like I can tell you.

For once I want someone to wonder about me the way I do about you. I want someone to think of me when I’m not around.  To wish for me when I’m not there. There is nothing else I can do. I know I should be looking at this as an opportunity for me to really find what I need but I’m so afraid. There was a time when you loved me like I had never known and I wish I could forget that now. I wish I didn’t know what that felt like because I don’t think I’ll ever have it again and that kills me. You’re already gone but you sleep beside me. I feel discarded. I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. I can’t understand how I can be your boobie,  your snack, your babe, your love and you can just leave me. None of this is pretty or clever or original. I don’t have anyone else to talk to, so I write to myself.

I worry sometimes that when I talk about how I feel as an "adult" vs. how I felt before it can come off a little condescending. Life is shitty and complicated right now and I'm fucking miserable but I'm still here and living and even though I don't feel like it, I'm carrying on. So when I read this today it really got to me. It was comforting in a way but also sad, because I don't want this to be a thing I just get over. I remember our first date, how I texted my friend and said it didn't matter, how I just wanted to feel wanted again. How the first few months were a bandaid on a broken heart. How you were sweet but Mr. Right Now. I knew this wouldn't last forever. But then something changed and we went from people who were lost to a team that was working towards something together. 

"Also, feelings become less mystifying, easier to navigate—it’s not as if you can’t still get hurt, or disappointed, or profoundly sad and wrecked by things, it’s that somehow your body/brain/heart remembers that you already did this before. You’ll be fine. You always are."


---------------------
I wrote this almost exactly a year ago to the day. He's finally leaving me and I want to scream and cry and drink until I forget my name. 

This is the worst part

Things that I wanted to tell you today but didn't. (Didn't know if I could? If I should?)

-Mom called me at 7:15am while we were in the middle of our morning meeting. She was trying to be casual but I could tell she was upset. She broke down crying because Drew hasn't texted her back since Sunday and she is sure he hates her. I had to explain that his phone was broken. I feel bad for her. Also, Drew could go see her more-but you've heard that before.

-Levi's turned out great. Took the entire day to recover it but we made a big impact.

-Charlie commented on how weird the vibe is with everyone at work. It was nice(?) to know that it's not just in my head.

-I left work late but was able to make it to the vet 10 min before they closed. I can buy a higher dosage of his meds online next time and just cut them in half. It's much cheaper too. Less than half the price of what he's taking now.

-I resisted the very strong urge to get McDonald's on the way home.

-I should have asked my dad to recharge the AC in your car last time I was home.

Just noticed that the last thing I felt the need to confess was this feeling, almost three years ago to the day. It would be funny if I could remember what that meant right now.

Lovers turn into Monsters

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life.

The person who I relied on, cared for, loved, for a year and a half is no longer my partner, my lover, my friend. I have spent so much time being angry and it has made me sour, rotten, like a mold has blackened my insides. Like if I were to fall, break, burst, this plague would be visible inside of me. Where there was once blood and bone, there is now nothing. This blackness has killed every good thing inside of me.

I have done things I'm not proud of. Betrayal makes me lose my mind, but that is not an excuse. I had to know if you were already over this, if you ever loved me at all, if you threw out any reminder of our shared life.

I have my answers now. I'm sick. I'm ruined. But I can live with this.

I can't let this anger consume me anymore. I can't indulge this depression any longer. It is time to move on.

I feel okay in this moment and I have to hold on to that as hard as I can.

If I die please tell everyone that I'm sorry.