I spent the train ride home crying because I was thinking about how if something happened to me I wouldn’t have anyone to call but my mom. Got off at my stop and made it down a few steps when I saw that the spiders were blocking safe passage. I turned around to go back up and a guy behind me startled me. He offered to go first and we crouched down and ran down the stairs. Just as he was about to go through the turnstile a spider was right in his face and we started cracking up.

It felt weird to laugh. It felt worse not feeling like I can tell you.

For once I want someone to wonder about me the way I do about you. I want someone to think of me when I’m not around.  To wish for me when I’m not there. There is nothing else I can do. I know I should be looking at this as an opportunity for me to really find what I need but I’m so afraid. There was a time when you loved me like I had never known and I wish I could forget that now. I wish I didn’t know what that felt like because I don’t think I’ll ever have it again and that kills me. You’re already gone but you sleep beside me. I feel discarded. I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. I can’t understand how I can be your boobie,  your snack, your babe, your love and you can just leave me. None of this is pretty or clever or original. I don’t have anyone else to talk to, so I write to myself.

I worry sometimes that when I talk about how I feel as an "adult" vs. how I felt before it can come off a little condescending. Life is shitty and complicated right now and I'm fucking miserable but I'm still here and living and even though I don't feel like it, I'm carrying on. So when I read this today it really got to me. It was comforting in a way but also sad, because I don't want this to be a thing I just get over. I remember our first date, how I texted my friend and said it didn't matter, how I just wanted to feel wanted again. How the first few months were a bandaid on a broken heart. How you were sweet but Mr. Right Now. I knew this wouldn't last forever. But then something changed and we went from people who were lost to a team that was working towards something together. 

"Also, feelings become less mystifying, easier to navigate—it’s not as if you can’t still get hurt, or disappointed, or profoundly sad and wrecked by things, it’s that somehow your body/brain/heart remembers that you already did this before. You’ll be fine. You always are."


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I wrote this almost exactly a year ago to the day. He's finally leaving me and I want to scream and cry and drink until I forget my name.