I worry sometimes that when I talk about how I feel as an "adult" vs. how I felt before it can come off a little condescending. Life is shitty and complicated right now and I'm fucking miserable but I'm still here and living and even though I don't feel like it, I'm carrying on. So when I read this today it really got to me. It was comforting in a way but also sad, because I don't want this to be a thing I just get over. I remember our first date, how I texted my friend and said it didn't matter, how I just wanted to feel wanted again. How the first few months were a bandaid on a broken heart. How you were sweet but Mr. Right Now. I knew this wouldn't last forever. But then something changed and we went from people who were lost to a team that was working towards something together. 

"Also, feelings become less mystifying, easier to navigate—it’s not as if you can’t still get hurt, or disappointed, or profoundly sad and wrecked by things, it’s that somehow your body/brain/heart remembers that you already did this before. You’ll be fine. You always are."


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I wrote this almost exactly a year ago to the day. He's finally leaving me and I want to scream and cry and drink until I forget my name.